Easter 2016

I love Easter. Not only because of the obvious reason as a Christian, but also because it's pretty fun and low-key as far as holidays go. There is family and food aplenty. There is no gift-buying pressure. There are fun traditions like dyeing and hunting for eggs. And don't forget the excuse to wear a fancy hat. (Stay tuned for that portion.)

Prepared for dyeing duty

Bring on the ridiculous photos

And then there's that Easter hat.
If any of our kids is going to be the one to make a fashion statement, it's Avery. And she wore that baby with pride. Apparently people like seeing a throwback to traditions of yesteryear (btw: Google informs me that is indeed a word) because she received plenty of compliments on it.
Thanks to Grandma Cathy as always for the lovely Easter regalia.  :)

Easter had a different feel for me this year too. It felt more real, if that even makes sense. It's no secret that I've grown a lot in my faith over the past year, so it felt more personal. 

Bailey is older this year, and she had questions, many that tended to involve details about the death of Jesus.
Why would people hate him that much?
Why did he have to die?
How could he save us if he died?
If God is his dad, why would he let him get hurt?

Deep stuff. 
It's challenging for adults to understand, let alone a 6 year-old. I don't have all the answers, but I tried my best. I don't know how much made sense in their little minds. 

But on Easter evening as my mom was rocking a sleepy Graham, he told her he loved her and she responded back that she loved him too. Then he matter of factly told her, "But Jesus loves me more than even you or Mommy or Daddy."

I think that is a fine way to sum up Easter. 

And just like that, it's December

I started to write that I'm sorry for my lack of posting, but honestly, I haven't given it much thought. Life has been hectic and borderline crazed. And I'm not talking the "oh I have so many presents to buy and parties to attend" type of crazy.

All the presents have been bought for weeks - most of them are even wrapped - and we have a total of two Christmas get-togethers to attend.

But since I last posted - in October mind you - big, mind-occupying stuff has been going on.

We wrapped up October with a life flight and hospitalization for Avery. She was off-and-on delusional with a 105º fever which prompted an ER visit. (Because this stuff always occurs on a weekend.) Children's in Omaha feared meningitis based on her symptoms so they opted for a helicopter ride over an ambulance transfer. She handled it well and with minimal drama.

Wait, I'm kidding.

She had to ride alone since the double-occupancy chopper was already out in use elsewhere. Jared and I were worried, but we tend to stay cool in these types of circumstances. After all, we have had our few share of medical issues with kids so far. I held off tears until they were wheeling her away, strapped down, only able to move her head. She looked at me and simply said, "I'm going to be sick and all alone."

She knows how to twist that knife for maximum effectiveness.

Everything turned out okay, but the next two days were tough. X-rays, ultrasound scans, straight caths, plenty of lab tests, and IV medication is a lot for an already over-the-top dramatic 4 year-old. It turned out she had a bad kidney infection. With 3 days of IV antibiotics and 10 more days of oral ones at home, she recovered easily. But really, she sure brought the drama. I am not surprised that Avery was the one to require a life flight.

Some other stuff happened too. 

Halloween. (Yes, I'm that far behind.)

A family wedding. 

An overnight getaway for Jared and me.

Etsy business on steroids. Seriously, we're both so over Etsy right now.

The death of our computer.

The purchase of a new computer.

Graham's 3rd birthday.

Thanksgiving.

A spare bedroom/office/play room remodel.
The kids' church Christmas program.

Christmas decorating, baking, and eating. And eating.

Which brings me to our next time-filler lately...

Graham has been sick and just kinda "off" for about 9 weeks now. It started with a rash that lasted for 11 days that doctors couldn't explain, a change in appetite, mood swings, itching like crazy, and bowel changes. Some lab showed elevated liver enzymes - which aren't uncommon with an infection, and a week later they had decreased back to normal levels. 

But his symptoms didn't go away, they hung on. And a few weeks later we took him back to the doctor since he felt worse, and it turns out his labs were elevated again - this time triple normal. 

So off to Omaha to a GI specialist we went. 

An ultrasound revealed an enlarged liver, pancreas, and gall bladder. Further testing showed elevated levels of many different labs related to the liver and gall bladder. Doctors weren't exactly sure what any of this meant. While waiting for some labs to get back, they sent us home with medication for his itching and a general feeling of uneasiness. By the next week, his symptoms were still the same and his bowels changed even further. 

The specialists decided it was time for an MRCP, a specialized MRI to look at the specific structures like the ducts connecting the organs in his stomach. We just completed that this past Tuesday. 

He had to be NPO for about 18 hours, and what should have been a 45 minutes procedure turned into 2 hours. Knowledge is not power in this situation as I was nearing panic mode, knowing something was amiss for the procedure time to more than double. Turns out he had a really hard time coming out of the anesthesia. Thanks, Graham, for aging me years during those few hours!

The results were what we expected. Both his liver and pancreas are enlarged. The pancreas is so enlarged that it is causing narrowing of the pancreatic duct and common bile duct. That is contributing to his bowel changes and the elevated labs. We've ruled out every common infectious cause of organ enlargement (hepatitis, mono, etc) and now not even the doctors are sure what is causing it. We repeated more lab yesterday (Friday) and should hear back about the results on Monday. Those results will dictate what course we take next. If they are decreased we will continue to monitor, hoping it is some unknown infection that his body is fighting off. If they are the same or elevated, we will continue down the road of more testing/procedures. Even our specialist couldn't tell us what these would be because Graham is an atypical case.

So it goes without saying, we've been worried. 

I don't do well when things are out of my control; I know this about myself. And if there was a lesson to be learned from this past year, "you're not in control" just might be it. I've been working really hard to turn worry into prayer. It's helped me more than I can put into words. I'm not in control, and my worry does nothing but drive me (and others) nuts. So maybe I am actually learning my lesson a little every day.

On that note, I think I will end my way-too-much-medical-happenings update on a positive with a few pictures of our little dude on his 3rd birthday last month. 

On his birthday I baked some brownies (covered in fresh whipped cream) and he opened a couple of gifts at our house. His real party was the next day on Thanksgiving night. The unofficial theme of his 3rd birthday was apparently "anything with an engine."

Things I've learned in the last month

We must be doing something right.

In the past month or so, we've had a family pet die (RIP Baxter bunny), a close family friend die, and one of my best friend's mom die. And while we have talked with our kids about death and Heaven and that it's okay to feel sad, we haven't really talked much about what you do when someone passes away. But clearly amid all the cooking and baking and cards and phone calls and prayers and hugs and tears, Bailey has been soaking it up.

Someone dies and people are sad. 

Our job as their friend is to be their friend.

So for every death recently, Bailey has set to work - without any prompting or encouragement - coloring pictures for our grieving friends. 

For our lifelong family friend Linda, who lost her husband a month ago, Bailey drew a picture of Eddie with as many hearts as she had time to draw before the visitation started. 

For my friend Holly, whose mom's funeral was a few weeks ago, she drew a rainbow house in the sky with Holly's mom inside. Because that is what Heaven looks like to a 5 year-old. That little girl's kind heart and sweet spirit can only make the world a better place.

Too tired to wipe off the table? Do it anyway.

It's always worth it to take the time to do a quick house pick-up every night.

You never know who is gonna show up early the next morning and make you really regret your late night laziness.

I've changed my parenting ideal.

I've always said that a goal of mine in raising children is to raise kids that are tolerant and accepting of other people's differences. Racism and homophobia are character flaws that I can't condone. We haven't had specific talks about race or sexual orientation with our kids yet because of the simple fact that it hasn't come up. Our kids have friends of other races at school, and I have a close friend that is gay, but our kids don't see these differences yet - and that is one true beauty of childhood. 

But for the past two months I've been part of a Bible study at a friend's house. I'd never been to one before so I didn't know what to expect. But honestly - I love it. And here's the thing - it's about the Bible (obviously) but it's not just about the Bible in the way you might think. The particular study we are doing applies to everything in life - just like the Bible does as I am coming to realize. But it's in a way I never saw before. It's basically great - and many times specific - life advice, and quite often it has come exactly when I have needed it. 

And as I was doing the "homework" one day, I realized something was pretty flawed in my parenting philosophy. 

I don't want to raise children who tolerate; I want to raise children who love.

Jesus doesn't just tolerate us, He loves us no matter what.
In fact it's the Bible's biggest message.
It's that simple. 
Tolerance and acceptance is great.
But love's so much better.


I've got no shame.
Come the month of May you can basically find me trespassing in the yard of anyone who owns a lilac bush. 
My life needs a little lilac-y scent to perk it up a little.
My house needs them.
I don't have a lilac bush of my very own!
People, the struggle is real.

This year I found a very nice yard at a house that is for sale and the owners moved out months ago. Come on, no one is going to miss those 19 vases worth of lilacs, are they???
Yep, I don't feel sorry about it.


Taking the high road didn't kill me
Maybe it is completely contrary to the above "don't tolerate, love!" segment of this post, but some people are much, much harder to love than others. And there's one specific person in my life that I just don't like. In the past I used the term hate, but mehhh, I don't care that much anymore. 
There's that phrase "You can't fix stupid" - well there's also lots of other things you can't fix. And I'm finding that included on that list are egotistic, selfish, negative, and arrogant. 

"Old Vanessa" - the one who punched a bully in the face in 5th grade and received her first detention - she felt vindicated in standing up for what she believed in no matter whether it would make a difference or not.
"New and Improved Vanessa" (ie: just older and less hot-headed) has started to realize that some people just simply aren't worth it. 

It's not that I'm not standing up for myself or others, but I'm just not gonna argue with stupid/egotistical/crazy. I stated what needed to be said and left it there. Not allowing myself to be drawn into a fight goes against my nature, but the high road actually felt pretty good. So while I'm a long, lonnnnng way from loving this person, the fact that I didn't say out loud all the harsh things in my brain was a good start for me.


Parents want to recreate the good stuff from their childhoods.
I've written before about family traditions Jared and I are creating with our kids, but I've come to realize how much we really want to hold on to the old stuff too.
Jared has already booked a cabin at a state park this year - in fact we're doing it this upcoming weekend before the summer rush (and higher prices). He grew up taking yearly camping trips in Colorado with his mom and close family friends. And while this is Iowa and summers here are vastly different than those in the Rockies, we are embracing what Jared loved about his childhood. There will be no tent-sleeping or roughing-it of any kind this time around, but in future years I know Jared will be working hard to convince our kids that fishing is cool and sleeping on the ground is fun. 

Growing up, my favorite part of summer was my family's trips to Okoboji to stay in my grandparents' cabin. We took our kids there for the first time last summer and it brought back memories of how much I loved those days spent away from home. Just this past week my parents bought a house in Okoboji. Maybe accompanying us on our trip last summer reminded them too of how much fun it was all those years ago. 

It goes without saying how excited I am to now have a place to go with our kids during the summers. I'm excited to explore different beaches and parks, eat at new places, watch our kids light sparklers in the yard, and spend a few days here and there away from the routine of our everyday lives. It's something special we can all do together that won't break the bank. (Well, at least not my bank... Love you Mom and Dad!)

Unrevealed until its season

For me the best part of church is the music. Music speaks to me. The flowing notes and the familiar words. All the voices joining together as one. It's comforting. 

In middle school during particularly boring {at least to me} sermons I would browse through the hymnal, locating my favorites. I would hum the tunes in my head, memorizing the page numbers in preparation for the next time the pastor would ask for hymn requests.  

The Hymn of Promise has always been my all-time favorite. 
So much so that my own family could probably tell you its page number (707, just FYI) and if it is not sung at my funeral some day, my spirit self is gonna be irate.
There are lots of oldies that everyone knows, and I love them too, but this particular one always speaks to me. 
It's a song of promise as the title indicates. 
God's promises. 
Promises that spring will come again, 
that a dawn follows every darkness, 
that our suffering has an end. 

In the bulb there is a flower; in the seed, an apple tree;

In cocoons, a hidden promise: butterflies will soon be free!

In the cold and snow of winter there's a spring that waits to be,

Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

There's a song in every silence, seeking word and melody;

There's a damn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me.

From the past will come the future; what it holds a mystery,

Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

In our end is our beginning; in our time, infinity;

In our doubt there is believing; in our life, eternity,

In our death, a resurrection; at the last, a victory,

Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

I'm not a big lullaby singer. 

Rock-a-bye Baby has always seemed a bit bizarre.

("...And down will come baby, cradle and all." Seriously? Why do we sing this song to babies again?)

When at a loss of a song to sing to an upset infant Bailey in need of comforting, I chose at random "Edelweiss" from the Sound of Music. And I still sing it. It's part of the bedtime routine. I think we all just think it's a lullaby at this point.

One night a few weeks ago the girls requested a new song. I racked my brain for songs I know by heart. And Hymn of Promise came to mind. Apparently the girls love it just like their mama because a few days later Avery was adamant that I sing her the "hippopotamus song" before her nap. It took a full five minutes before I realized that "hippopotamus" equaled Hymn of Promise in toddler-speak.

I love church music and lyrics so much that I fell in love when I saw this sign on Etsy. 

Source: Between You and Me on Etsy

Isn't it pretty? 

If I could justify the money, I would be ordering one of these suckers for my wall tomorrow. Customized with my favorite hymn of course. :)

(*hint hint* Birthday gift, Jared!)

After all, we do have a new vintage dining room buffet to decorate around. {Hopefully more coming soon on that in a future post!}

saying no for the sake of a better yes

I have mentioned it before, but I am really enjoying reading the daily devotional Cathy, my mother-in-law, gave me for Christmas. We aren't regular church-goers right now, and while that is something I am not entirely okay with, that's a topic for another blog post. 

I have always admired those people who can find comfort in scripture because they know where to look for it. 
I remember the day after my miscarriage; I had run out of tears, but still felt miserable and in need of something, anything. There was nothing to say really except this sucks, and I had probably already said and thought that a thousand times. I needed comforting. 
I got my Bible. 
Okay... now what? 
Am I supposed to turn to a random page? 
I don't know how this works exactly. 

I didn't have favorite passages to read. 
I didn't know where to start. 
Jared's aunt had, quite randomly, given us a book "Where to Find it in The Bible" so I grabbed that. Just as I suspected, no "miscarriage" category. So I looked up "loss." That didn't fit the bill either. It was mostly about losing possessions, losing your home. 
I lost a baby - not a car. 
This wasn't turning out quite as I had hoped. As with anything, you can have a great resource, but if don't utilize it or even know how to utilize it, it doesn't do you any good. 

My Bible and scripture knowledge hasn't increased dramatically since then. I have read more of it than ever before in my life, but I can't profess to be that regular at it. I admit I sometimes get lost in the language and miss the point.
That is why I love this Daily Guideposts devotional. 
It's like a starting block for me, helping me pick up beloved verses as I go.
The authors are cherry-picking passages one at a time and applying them to their daily lives. 
That is what I have always liked about great sermons - that I can see how that message is still relevant thousands of years later. That I can see the logic in it. I love that I can see a particular passage as a way for God to show me a different way or give me encouragement or just provide some peace.

Obviously some days in the devotional aren't as helpful or as meaningful as others, but I always take away something.

I wanted to share one I recently read (and in case anyone else reads this particular version, yes, I confess that I skipped ahead and landed on this one).

All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.  - Psalm 38:9

It was a rough start to the day. Spiritually I was feeling flat. There were a few things that I really wanted for my family and my career. My prayers had turned repetitive. I felt like a broken record as I laid them before the Lord once again. And just like every other morning, I came up against a deafening silence that made me want to scream. 

Not only that, but my son woke up at 5:30 AM - much too early. It didn't take long for my sweet little boy to turn into a monster, the kind that whines and throws temper tantrums and makes messes everywhere he goes. The kid was tired.

With expiring patience, I carried him to his room and made him lie down while he screamed and cried and did everything humanly possible to get out of that bed. I sat outside his room, resting my head against the wall, and heard every single one of his heartbreaking cries for Mama. He wanted to get up, go to the park, play. But that's not what was best for him. He needed sleep.

After a thirty-minute battle, he finally gave in. The house was quiet. As I sat there in the silence, I couldn't help but think how similar I was to my son, crying out to my Abba, mistaking His silence for absence, unable to see that He was right there. God knows what's best and He knows what He's doing.

Thank You, Lord, for the promise that You hear every single one of our sighs, for being a God Who says no for the sake of saying yes.                   

       - Katie Ganshert

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

This message struck a chord.

And let's be real, as a huge Garth Brooks fan, I can't help but think of "Unanswered Prayers." 

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers

Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs

That just because he may not answer doesn't mean he don't care

Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

It's a pretty big message. A message my 7 year-old self was singing around the house on a regular basis. (Garth and I go way back.) As I got older, I understood the meaning within those words. Sometimes it is a good thing when we don't get what we want or what we pray for. 

Think about how different your life would be if God would have granted your every wish and prayer. 

Think back to your younger self, probably praying prayers about wanting things to work out with your high school boyfriend or getting into that specific college. 

There is a big possibility that you wouldn't actually, truly want that life you were praying so hard for. And it's possible that God wasn't answering you because he was saying no for the sake of a better yes.

Allow me to share an example from my own life.

It was the summer after my freshman year of college at Briar Cliff. 

Briar Cliff is a Catholic university. And not being Catholic myself, some of the things they worked in to the curriculum in some classes irritated me. And it was small, which I'd thought I would like. But it turned out to be just like a bigger version of high school. 

I wanted out. 

But I had an amazing scholarship that was paying all of my tuition. 

And I didn't have anywhere else I was dying to go. 

The more I tried to make the pieces fit with other schools, the more it didn't work out. I prayed about it, begging God to show me the path I was supposed to be on, to help get me into another school -any other school!- for the upcoming year.

*Crickets*

So fall arrived and off I went back to Briar Cliff. I got a good roommate. I had friends. I did well in my classes. I was having fun. It still wasn't the right fit for me, and I could feel that, but I kept moving forward. And then in April of 2005 it became obvious why it never worked out for me to transfer schools: I met Jared. 

Pieces fell in to place. And we both ended up leaving Briar Cliff. 

I transferred to Fort Hays State University in Hays, Kansas - 7 hours from home and I LOVED it. It was a whirlwind decision and shocked those around me, but I was happy. 

It felt right. 

It was right.

And it is a decision I don't ever regret making - not even for one single second.

I would have never ended up there on my own. God's silence wasn't indifference; a better "yes" was coming for me.

So now I try to remember this in my daily life. 

God saying no can bring us greater happiness.

But God saying no can also mean pain. 

It can mean hardship. 

I've experienced this in my own life, especially my childhood. 

Pain and hurt and a big emotional toll I wouldn't wish on anyone.

But I came out on the other side a better person.

To quote my sister Felicia's favorite Bible verse:

...we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  -- Romans 5: 3-4

I know of some of her sufferings, as she does of mine, and I know that perseverance and character and hope did come of them. Good things come of God saying no, even if we don't understand it at the time. 

And just like the mother standing outside the door, her heart breaking as she hears every one of her baby's cries and pleas, God's silence isn't from a lack of love. It's about wanting a better yes for us in the end.

Grandpa Norm

Jared's grandpa Norm moved in with Jesus today.

We knew it was coming. Just yesterday his condition rapidly deteriorated. His death didn't come as a shock to anyone.
It is actually a relief.
Norm is now relieved of his suffering.
He is relieved of his pain.
He is relieved of all the burdens of his earthly life.

I didn't know Norm very well.  And honestly, I don't know if Jared ever truly did either.
He seemed to be a man of little words, at least whenever I was around.
He was independent and opinionated (because when you hit 80, the filter is gone... and I can't wait for the I -am-old-so-I-can-say-what-I-want excuse.) 
He wasn't a hugger - although I got a few out of him to Jared's shock.
He was of a different generation where sometimes the I love you's were a bit harder to say.
I think he showed his love in deeds rather than words, helping Cathy remodel her bathroom or fixing up Jared's old trikes for our kids to ride. {Good work on the trikes, Norm. They love-love-love them.}

And while out of our three kids, he only got to meet Bailey, Jared could tell he enjoyed seeing her. I am glad Norm got to see Jared and Bailey again one last time this past summer.

In a week or so we will be traveling to Colorado for the funeral. We have never been back as a family of 5. Heck, we haven't even been back as a family of 4, so this visit is long overdue. And while it isn't the best of reasons to visit, I know the kids will enjoy seeing Gramma Cathy and giving her lots of hugs and kisses to cheer her up.

Rest in peace, Norm.
I hope you are enjoying your first night in your new place.
From what I hear, it's pretty fabulous.

Moving in with Jesus

Tonight's bedtime prayer session with the girls led to a look through a photo album and a discussion about death, Jesus, and Heaven.
Let me explain.

Jared's (step) grandma Esther turned 99 years old in April of this year. She lives with Jared's dad and step-mom in Kansas. She is a very sweet woman. I remember meeting her 8 years ago and being amazed at how sharp she was. She had opinions on all the latest political issues. She was funny. She was interested in our nursing classes and told us stories of what life was like as a nurse back during the second World War.

Esther with Bailey in 2010.

Man, did Esther love loving on Bailey during this visit!

And Bailey was all too content to just sit there and enjoy it.

(Along with trying to steal/break/eat Esther's glasses of course.)



She hasn't been in good health for quite a while after suffering a fall last year, but recently it has become apparent that she is nearing her final days. Over the past 2 weeks she has barely eaten or drank anything - with the exception of when she sat up in bed and asked for a piece of pie last weekend. She has been in a constant state of sleeping for the last few days. This strong woman is ready for her journey into the next phase of her life. Actually, I think she has been ready since I met her! I hope and pray the rest of her time here on this earth passes quickly and with little pain.

Jared's other living grandparent is his grandpa Norm.

Great Grandpa Norm meeting Bailey for the first time in 2011.

Norm is in his 80s now, and up until a couple years ago, he was in phenomenal health. He was attending the gym and working out every single day up until last year. But over the last few years, he had been starting to forget things and it became apparent that this wasn't just forgetting, it was the start of dementia.

It's been a long road for Jared's mom. She has basically been his sole caregiver for the last few years: paying his bills, preparing meals for the week, cleaning his house, taking him to appointments... And worrying - lots of that. He lived an hour away from her home in Loveland, CO, and eventually she just couldn't provide the care he needed to be able to stay in his home. Earlier this year he moved into a care facility near Cathy.

He has had some falls recently, leading to several trips to the Emergency Room. On his most recent visit it was discovered that he has bone cancer, which metastasized from previously undiagnosed pancreatic cancer. It was a complete shock to us when Cathy called a couple of nights ago to tell us his doctor said he has one to two weeks to live.
It's just crazy.
I think Cathy - and all of us - were prepared for a long road, watching him lose more and more of himself to this thief we call dementia. And now it appears that won't be the case.

I am not sure what to be feeling.
On one hand I know that this sucks. For Cathy to hear this news is hard. Losing a parent is never easy, no matter what your age. On the other hand, the before-dementia Norm wouldn't appreciate his life the way it is now. He would hate it. He was always a very capable, independent, no-nonsense person, and he would hate all this.

He is now on hospice care, especially to control the pain from the bone cancer. He is one strong man; up until recently he hadn't complained of any pain at all and wasn't on any pain medication. His confusion has greatly increased lately, partly due to a urinary tract infection, and he has lost a lot of weight.

I know Jared is thankful that he was able to go out and visit this summer. He had time over a long weekend to go help his mom pack up and organize Norm's house in order for it to be sold. Jared took Bailey and they went to visit Norm. He knew who she was and seemed really delighted in their visit. Hindsight is 20/20, but we both have said we wish we could have taken all the kids. We probably should have. But at the time they were trying to get a lot of work done in just a few days, and I did not relish the thought of a two-day road trip with three kids under the age of 4, especially with a breastfed baby wanting to eat every couple of hours. So it didn't happen.

Bailey remembers the visit to see Grandpa Norm though. I asked her about him the other night: "Bailey, do you remember Grandpa Norm?"
She replied, "I saw him in Colorado with Grandma Cathy!"
We talked about the fact that he is sick. She immediately correlated that to Jared being sick in the hospital recently. I explained that this is different because Grandpa Norm isn't going to get better. And neither would Grandma Esther.
She asked me, "Are they going to die?"
And I had to say yes.
"Will they go to Heaven like Max did?" (Max is our dog that died earlier this year.)
Yes.
A pause. "It's okay, Mommy. They get to live in Jesus's house."

We then said some prayers for Great Grandpa Norm and Great Grandma Esther. That they have peace. That they have no pain. That Jesus "takes them to his house."  Afterward Bailey asked to see a picture of both of them. I got out her photo album, and we looked at a few of the pictures. I am very glad we have those pictures.

I like Bailey's simple view of Heaven: going to live in Jesus's house.
It's as simple as that.

Jared and I have talked about Heaven quite a bit. The whole unknown-ness of it all. We have talked about what we hope Heaven is like, while believing it to be better than anything we can possibly imagine. Jared hopes that when you reach Heaven you get to know all things. You have the answers to all your questions from life.
What really killed the dinosaurs?
Are UFOs real?
Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
(Just kidding, neither of us really cares about Jimmy Hoffa.)

I have always hoped that when you die, you get to see a playback of your life. A highlight reel you might say. Consisting of my best times, allowing me to experience all the good stuff one more time. Favorite holidays with family. A fun day in the snow with a childhood best friend. Falling in love. Moments of hysterical laughter. The births of my children.
The good stuff of a blessed life.

All random thoughts aside, I have some questions about my faith, as I think most people do. But I believe without a doubt there is something else after this life. It makes me sad to know that two members of our family are preparing to leave this world, but it helps to be able to tell my children - and myself - that their journey is not over.
They are just moving in with Jesus.

RIP Officer Buenting

Yesterday was a solemn day for our tiny town. A fallen police officer was laid to rest.

In the early morning hours of Friday, September 13th, Jamie Buenting was helping a team of officers arrest a man wanted for felony assault when he was shot. Only one shot, one round. But that's all it took. With just one horrible decision, a man was taken from this world. Taken from his community. Taken from his friends and family. Taken from his wife and two young children.

And while I didn't know Officer Buenting personally, I have heard a lot of good things. And these are good things from the mouths of people who tell it like it is, so I truly believe them. Everyone who knew him said that he loved what he did for a living. He had a passion for it. He loved being a police officer. He loved teaching classes about gun safety and tactics. He just loved his job. And he died doing what he loved.
One of my sisters knew Jamie pretty well since she spent a summer babysitting his kids. She told me a month ago about how she spoke with him for almost an hour at Sweet Corn Daze. He was talking about how independent his 6 year-old daughter (a type 1 diabetic for a few years) has become, wanting to do her own injections and handle everything by herself. He talked about taking his kids horseback riding and the things they had done this summer. She could tell how proud he was to be their dad. She has always thought highly of him. After the gut-wrenchingly sad funeral yesterday, she said that while she isn't a very religious person, she truly believes that God must have needed a great guy with Him in Heaven.

Death usually sucks, especially when it is a young person with so much life left to live. And every death seems to leave the living with a striking sense of how precious and unpredictable life can be. We just don't know how much time we have left on this earth. Death tends to make you evaluate your own life.
Am I making enough time for the people who really matter to me? 
Am I fulfilled? 
Is my life going the direction I want it to?
How will I be remembered when I leave this world?
Am I the person I truly desire to be?

And then there are always those vague sentiments that people pass on. Those sayings that tell you to "enjoy every moment" while you can and to "live each day like it's your last." A nice thought, but that just isn't how real life works. At least not for long. Jamie's shocking and unexpected death had me hugging my own children a little tighter and not sweating the small stuff. But have I been enjoying every moment? No. Those children that I hug tight? I love them, but they are the same ones I want to hide in the closet from so I can have five minutes to myself. That is motherhood. I kiss Jared and tell him how much I love him every day, but I still roll my eyes when I am picking up another pair of his dirty socks off the floor. That's marriage.
You can't live every day like it's your last, because some times dishes need washed and laundry must be folded. (And believe me when I say my last day on Earth would not be spent sorting tiny toddler underwear.) What death and tragedy do for me is that they remind me to be thankful for all of it - those enjoyable, livin' life moments along with the not-so-great ones. Just be thankful. You never know when your time in this earthly life will be complete.
I am sure that Jamie's wife would give just about anything to pick up her husband's dirty socks again.

It sounds like Jamie left this world with important things checked off of his life's to-do list. He had a job he found fulfillment in and a family he loved. He had the admiration and respect of his peers and those he served. He left this world very much loved, and I think his send-off yesterday proved that without a doubt.

Over 1200 law enforcement officers attended the funeral Tuesday,

some coming from as far as Chicago.

I will be forever impressed with the people of Rockwell City, Iowa, for their complete outpouring of love, generosity, and support for one of their own.

Thank you for your loyal service, Officer Buenting.
May you rest in peace.

Happy Easter

 

 

We celebrated a perfect day: family, church, egg hunting, and eating

- not necessarily in that order.

 

 

 

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish,

but have eternal life.

For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world,

but that the world should be saved through Him.

- John 3:16-17

 

 

Graham's baptism

Graham Ellis Solko was baptized yesterday on February 17th at the United Methodist Church in Jolley, Iowa.

- the same church where I was baptized,

and my dad was baptized,

and my grandpa was baptized

and probably generations before him.

He tolerated it all the way you would expect a 3 month-old to; meaning he was sometimes happy, sometimes fussy, and very unsure of the entire prospect.

He didn't mind the water at all. Probably, as the minister remarked, because he couldn't feel it due to all that hair covering his little head.

Baptism seems to be a great time to get a few family photos,

specifically 4-generation ones.

{the Ellis side}

{the Weiss side}

 

After baptism we all went to my parents' house to celebrate - with food of course.

We spent the afternoon playing cards with my grandma Connie and chatting.

It was a nice end to a busy weekend.

my newest read

Since Jared has been gone to Des Moines for job training most of this past month, I have had a little extra time on my hands. Not too much, but some. And for some reason, if I am alone at night, I can find all sorts of reasons to stay up and not go to bed at a decent hour. I can be tired and dragging butt all day long, but 10 pm rolls around and I am online or reading a magazine or blogging or mindlessly watching TV. And when I do go to bed, it's quiet and I am all alone with no one to talk to. 

So one of the first nights he was gone I sat there, not ready to turn out the light and surrender to sleep quite yet. I looked over and noticed the Bible that sits on our bedside table. Now I will admit I have never been a terribly good Bible reader. We have had good intentions in the past, reading a chapter or more every night, but then something would come up to alter our routine and we got out of the habit. But since I had nothing else better to do, I decided to give it another go.

So every night, after the girls are asleep and I have grown tired of Facebook and blogs and mindless TV, I climb into bed, get comfy and crack open Jared's student Bible. I like his Bible. It's sort of like The Bible for Dummies. It's a student version with lots of little text boxes further explaining important passages and events that take place.  And it has a guided tour that helps you focus in on the "important" or more well known texts if you get bogged down in some of the chapters {or entire books for that matter}. I really like this because it's like a great English teacher in high school who helped you decipher all that confusing language in Romeo & Juliet. It's like a sermon in church where the pastor takes a passage and compares it to everyday examples and makes it easier to relate to and, thus, understand.

I came across a chapter in Deuteronomy that was outlined by the guided tour:

"When your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery."
                                                                   Deuteronomy 8:13-14

The guided tour went on to further elaborate the point with a quote from Alexander Solzhenitsyn, a Russian man, explaining why it was he learned to pray in a Siberian concentration camp:
"When things are bad, we are not ashamed of our God. We are only ashamed of Him when things are going well."

This really resonated with me.

It's easy to be faithful when you feel you truly need God. When bad things happen to us or those we love, it is easy to turn to prayer and ask/beg/plead for God's help. It's easy to need God when there is literally no one else. When a friend is having a tough time or a family member is sick, for many of us it is our first reaction to say, "You're in my prayers." It's easy to talk about praying when someone's health or life is on the line. It's probably even the expected thing to say.

It's much harder to remember to put your faith in God when things are going well for you. You just landed a great job, your family is healthy, and things in your life seem to be perfect. It's just simply easier to forget about God when life seems to be going your way.

And clearly he predicted that.

I am guilty of this, just as I am sure most people are. Thinking back to times when I felt the most in need of God's help and guidance, I am brought back to one recent example: when Avery was admitted to the NICU and was oh-so-very sick.

It didn't fully dawn on me for about two full days just how serious the situation really was. But then she developed a blood infection, and our doctor was worried about endocarditis, and then there was potential for brain damage from her extreme jaundice... It hit me.  People die from blood infections all the time. And she isn't even a week old. That night when my family thought I had gone to my room to lie down, I roamed the hospital and ended up in the chapel. I just knelt in the small pew, all alone, sobbing and praying simultaneously.

And then I did what I am sure every person in these kind of situations does:

I prayed, "I will do anything. Anything. Just please make her better."

I really, really needed God. I am a pray-er anyway, I pray about lots of things. But none of my prayers ever had the intensity of the prayers I said in those weeks. I had never wanted anything more in my entire life than for my tiny little baby to be okay. And as the days went by, she began to grow stronger and healthier.

Now that it has been almost a year since Avery was sick, the terror and the need I was feeling at the time seems a bit more dulled. You seem to forget the pleading and the begging and the bargaining. You forget just how much you needed your faith then - and how much you still need it now. You start to forget because things are going well.

I am a thankful person. Daily I thank God for the gifts He has given me, the family I am blessed with, and the opportunities I have been granted. But I also want to live my life in faith too, during both the good times and the bad. I am not going to become some awkward person who only talks about Jesus. And guaranteed my liberal viewpoints are here to stay. I just want to put more of my trust in God so I can give up the worry and know that in the end, everything is going to be all right.