31 Things

Because birthdays after the age of 21 border on pointless, I will save you an update on my day of celebrating with small children and an overly tired husband. 
(edited to add in photo of me with said small children. please note the birthday crown Bailey made for me in school that day. such a sweet girl.)

I will however continue what I started last year. And since I'm starting it and my birthday is already half over, it might not be anything deep or even slightly funny. But here goes...


1. I've had to trim the fat lately. And I'm talking about TV shows. I couldn't add anything new this year, and I don't have time to continue some of the shows I had already been watching previously. If 6 episodes of the same show remain unwatched on my DVR at one time, the love affair must be over. I used to love you Person of Interest, but it was time. Goodbye.

2. I never thought I would ever be able to say this with a straight face, but I love working out.

3. Frequently I work out so that I can justify eating more food. #priorities

4. I miss living on a farm. 

5. I have to send Snaps of myself in clothing in dressing rooms to fashion-forward friends in order to determine if something looks acceptable. 

6. My closet is smaller than most port-a-pots (yeah, weird reference but it's true). So women who post photos or blogs about purging their closets and getting rid of clothes they've been holding on to for a decade - I just can't relate to you. If I even bring in a new t-shirt, something old has to go.
Honestly, my dorm room closets were bigger.

7. I have a love-hate with our Etsy business right now. 
Love that it's growing. Hate that it's growing.

8. My faith is stronger than it's ever been.  

9. I have a book where I write down funny things my kids say. And I actually fill it out. Avery gives us a lot of entries.

10.  Since having kids - or maybe it's with age? - I don't like spicy stuff as much. I used to loooove buffalo wing sauce. Now I can barely handle the mild stuff. What is happening to me?!

11. I lack any courage to cut my hair into a style that could even halfway be considered edgy or even slightly non-conservative. I will probably have this same hairstyle until I'm 90.

12. Speaking of, I have zero desire to live that long. By all means, take me when you're good and ready Jesus, but if I hit 84, I think that is long enough. 84 has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

13. I still don't miss Facebook.

14. I've learned over the past year that being a friend doesn't require talking on the phone daily/weekly/even monthly. It boils down to being there when it counts, when things get uncomfortable and people's lives are far from their best. Close friends have lost loved ones this past year and I've realized that listening, baking cookies, or just speaking their family members' names is a big deal to someone struggling. Many situations or discussions feel awkward, but true friendship can be hard or awkward while still being real and effortless. And it's worth the work.

15. By having my nails painted, my I-have-my-shit-together life meter goes up quite a few points. Clearly a manicure means I must have my life in order, right? Wait... what? You're not fooled??

16. Caillou - most annoying kids show ever. I'd rather watch Barney every minute for the rest of my life than suffer through an entire episode of that show.

17. My family and friends know me so well, they bring me coffee and fountain pop for special occasions. In fact, I received one of each this morning.
(Can anyone say caffeine overload?)

18. All four of my grandparents are still living and in moderately good health (and actively spoil my children with plentiful amounts of cookies). For someone who is 31 to be able to say that, it's kinda rare. And awesome.

19. I used to think that maybe 4 kids would be even better than 3. I now know better. Four would be much, much worse. 

20. Jared and I have domestic patterns a tad bit altered from the usual gender roles. He bakes more than me, I mow the lawn. It works for us.

21. This past year a friend commented that she loves that I keep it real because she knows I am not trying to pretend my life is perfect. I took that as a huge compliment. 

22. I never get tired of Disney movies. 
Or Golden Girls re-runs.

23. I am a much happier and well-rounded person if I am awake before my children wake up. I prefer a good half-hour head start on the little monsters.

24. In a dream world situation, I would have a part-time job. This stay-at-home stuff is mentally harder than I ever imagined and most days I am dying to escape this house without kids in tow. 

25. When we can, we walk everywhere. Gotta get those Fitbit steps in!

26. I carry a purse so large that is lovingly referred to by Jared as luggage.

27. I'm anal and borderline-obsessive about photos. All of our kids have their own photo albums and each photo is labeled on the back with the date, who is in it, and what was going on. 

28. But, oddly enough, professional photos aren't that important to me. I didn't even have newborn photos done with our kids. Both the girls were in the NICU and it wasn't important in the grand scheme of things at the time. So with Graham it felt wrong to do them since his sisters didn't get any. And it's been over two years since our last family photo.

29. Having a vacation planned - even if a year ahead of time - motivates me greatly in the day-to-day monotony of life. It's important to have something to really look forward to and work toward. (Speaking of, any non-extravagant, no-kids vacation ideas, blog friends?)

30. I could spend 6 hours in Target. Every time I go I look at my watch and say, "It's been two hours?! I haven't even looked at half of what I came for!" True story.

Annnnnnd....
31. I'm way too boring to keep this up every year.

"Picture it... Miami... 1985."

Thirty years ago today, my favorite TV show of all-time debuted.

Look at those four fabulous ladies decked out in the best the 1980s had to offer middle-aged women.

But really, I love this show. 

When Jared and I first started dating, I knew it was true love when I found out he could quote every episode just like me. 
Be still my heart. 
It was a done deal right then and there.

I own every season on DVD and the Golden Girls are my go-to palette cleanse after a depressing episode of something else. (I'm looking at you, Game of Thrones.) I actually own a t-shirt with their faces on it from my college days. I still occasionally throw it on and wear it for old times sake. Jared and I have discussed that from now on we just might name our pets after characters from the show - the older the name the better. Dorothy is the clear front-runner. Because let's be frank, it'd have to be a pretty saucy cat for it to live up to the name Blanche. And when it comes to males, there will be a never ending line-up of names to choose from.

If you can't admit that this show is funny, I just don't get you. It's the barometer by which I detect whether we could be friends. If you can't laugh at a witty barb from a spunky 80 year-old lady, what can you laugh at??

There are way too many quotable lines from this series to pick favorites, but for some reason the phrase "slut puppy" always comes to my mind first.

Fasten your seat belt, slut puppy.

This ain't gonna be no cakewalk.

It's been 30 years and you can still find an episode on television at any time of the day. I'm sure that is because friendship, outspoken elderly folks, and jezebels  50 year-old mattresses  tramps don't go out of style.

Things I've learned in the last month

We must be doing something right.

In the past month or so, we've had a family pet die (RIP Baxter bunny), a close family friend die, and one of my best friend's mom die. And while we have talked with our kids about death and Heaven and that it's okay to feel sad, we haven't really talked much about what you do when someone passes away. But clearly amid all the cooking and baking and cards and phone calls and prayers and hugs and tears, Bailey has been soaking it up.

Someone dies and people are sad. 

Our job as their friend is to be their friend.

So for every death recently, Bailey has set to work - without any prompting or encouragement - coloring pictures for our grieving friends. 

For our lifelong family friend Linda, who lost her husband a month ago, Bailey drew a picture of Eddie with as many hearts as she had time to draw before the visitation started. 

For my friend Holly, whose mom's funeral was a few weeks ago, she drew a rainbow house in the sky with Holly's mom inside. Because that is what Heaven looks like to a 5 year-old. That little girl's kind heart and sweet spirit can only make the world a better place.

Too tired to wipe off the table? Do it anyway.

It's always worth it to take the time to do a quick house pick-up every night.

You never know who is gonna show up early the next morning and make you really regret your late night laziness.

I've changed my parenting ideal.

I've always said that a goal of mine in raising children is to raise kids that are tolerant and accepting of other people's differences. Racism and homophobia are character flaws that I can't condone. We haven't had specific talks about race or sexual orientation with our kids yet because of the simple fact that it hasn't come up. Our kids have friends of other races at school, and I have a close friend that is gay, but our kids don't see these differences yet - and that is one true beauty of childhood. 

But for the past two months I've been part of a Bible study at a friend's house. I'd never been to one before so I didn't know what to expect. But honestly - I love it. And here's the thing - it's about the Bible (obviously) but it's not just about the Bible in the way you might think. The particular study we are doing applies to everything in life - just like the Bible does as I am coming to realize. But it's in a way I never saw before. It's basically great - and many times specific - life advice, and quite often it has come exactly when I have needed it. 

And as I was doing the "homework" one day, I realized something was pretty flawed in my parenting philosophy. 

I don't want to raise children who tolerate; I want to raise children who love.

Jesus doesn't just tolerate us, He loves us no matter what.
In fact it's the Bible's biggest message.
It's that simple. 
Tolerance and acceptance is great.
But love's so much better.


I've got no shame.
Come the month of May you can basically find me trespassing in the yard of anyone who owns a lilac bush. 
My life needs a little lilac-y scent to perk it up a little.
My house needs them.
I don't have a lilac bush of my very own!
People, the struggle is real.

This year I found a very nice yard at a house that is for sale and the owners moved out months ago. Come on, no one is going to miss those 19 vases worth of lilacs, are they???
Yep, I don't feel sorry about it.


Taking the high road didn't kill me
Maybe it is completely contrary to the above "don't tolerate, love!" segment of this post, but some people are much, much harder to love than others. And there's one specific person in my life that I just don't like. In the past I used the term hate, but mehhh, I don't care that much anymore. 
There's that phrase "You can't fix stupid" - well there's also lots of other things you can't fix. And I'm finding that included on that list are egotistic, selfish, negative, and arrogant. 

"Old Vanessa" - the one who punched a bully in the face in 5th grade and received her first detention - she felt vindicated in standing up for what she believed in no matter whether it would make a difference or not.
"New and Improved Vanessa" (ie: just older and less hot-headed) has started to realize that some people just simply aren't worth it. 

It's not that I'm not standing up for myself or others, but I'm just not gonna argue with stupid/egotistical/crazy. I stated what needed to be said and left it there. Not allowing myself to be drawn into a fight goes against my nature, but the high road actually felt pretty good. So while I'm a long, lonnnnng way from loving this person, the fact that I didn't say out loud all the harsh things in my brain was a good start for me.


Parents want to recreate the good stuff from their childhoods.
I've written before about family traditions Jared and I are creating with our kids, but I've come to realize how much we really want to hold on to the old stuff too.
Jared has already booked a cabin at a state park this year - in fact we're doing it this upcoming weekend before the summer rush (and higher prices). He grew up taking yearly camping trips in Colorado with his mom and close family friends. And while this is Iowa and summers here are vastly different than those in the Rockies, we are embracing what Jared loved about his childhood. There will be no tent-sleeping or roughing-it of any kind this time around, but in future years I know Jared will be working hard to convince our kids that fishing is cool and sleeping on the ground is fun. 

Growing up, my favorite part of summer was my family's trips to Okoboji to stay in my grandparents' cabin. We took our kids there for the first time last summer and it brought back memories of how much I loved those days spent away from home. Just this past week my parents bought a house in Okoboji. Maybe accompanying us on our trip last summer reminded them too of how much fun it was all those years ago. 

It goes without saying how excited I am to now have a place to go with our kids during the summers. I'm excited to explore different beaches and parks, eat at new places, watch our kids light sparklers in the yard, and spend a few days here and there away from the routine of our everyday lives. It's something special we can all do together that won't break the bank. (Well, at least not my bank... Love you Mom and Dad!)

enjoying my own

I've written before - well over a year ago - about the struggle I sometimes feel with where I am in life right now. There are times when staying at home with three young kids is the best possible job in the world. 
And there are days when it just isn't. 

Yet I've come to realize that most of my insecurities with being a stay-at-home-mom come from within. On bad days I start to doubt my purpose. Occasionally I let comments made by others - at times they might even be well-intentioned comments - affect how I view myself. 
And that's crappy. 
That's on me. 

There are going to be people who don't know me well or those with limited life experience who judge my decision to stay at home. Or ask what I could possibly do all day. Or roll their eyes when I say I've had a rough week. 

But I get to choose how I see myself, not outsiders. 

And honestly, a few years ago I too would have seen only the up-sides of being a SAHM. Because staying home, raising your own kids, is a blessing right? 
And it is. 
But it's not for everybody. 
Some days it's not even for me. 
Because just like every other mom in the world - working outside the home or not - some days just suck.

Lately though, our days are better. I feel less stressed than a few months ago. 
I don't regret my decision to stay at home with my kids these last two years. 
I get to do some extras that I wouldn't if I were gone during the day, like tucking Graham in for his nap and having plenty of time to hit the library with all three kids.
I've met some friends that I probably wouldn't have had contact with otherwise.
I've had the opportunity to take better care of my health - both with eating and exercising - that I know I probably wouldn't make time for if I were working.

So I'm cutting myself some slack, not being so hard on myself.
Or maybe I'm getting more perspective as I age. (30 is so old and wise, ya know.)
Or maybe I just give less of a shit about what other people think.

I read something on a random blog a while back that said mothers are 
"the keepers of the details in their families' lives." 
I like that.
Not only are we keeping the details straight about doctor appointments and tee-ball practices, but the laundry gets done, the dirty bathrooms get cleaned, and supper gets cooked. Working mom or stay-at-home mom. We're all still moms.
So yeah, there ya have it. My job description:
I keep the train on its track. 

We all contribute differently to our kids' lives. 
I cultivate details through records of our lives: baby books, photo albums, journals I write for the kids, this blog even. That's my little extra that I add in.
Jared is a hands-on guy. He is out in the kitchen cooking and baking with the kids, letting them each sniff the cinnamon and the cumin, watching them take turns stirring batter. In the spring they'll help him pot the plants they grew together from seeds. 

Other parents plan massive birthday party blow-outs that put the Solko Family's to shame. 
Others are great with arts and crafts and anything Pinterest can dream up. 
Some have a nightly routine filled with blankets and books that I envy. 

We're all different. And it's okay.
I didn't exactly envision staying at home full-time. And that's okay too. 
But I need to enjoy more and worry less. 
To everything there is a season, right?

Friday 5

1.
My mother-in-law Cathy came to visit last week for Bailey's birthday. She always comes bearing gifts - usually for the kids. This time she had a special gift in tow for me as well.

They stole my heart

Bailey  Avery  Graham

It's a mother's necklace from Jade Vine Jewelry on Etsy.

Cathy works at a post office and meets all kinds of people that sell their creations on Etsy, including Cassia - the owner of this particular shop.
I absolutely love the necklace. It's personal and beautiful at the same time. I've already worn it twice in the past week and received many compliments on it.

2.
Last night I attended my first Bible study ever. 

I think it was maybe a year or two ago, there was a post on a blog I typically read and she was talking about starting a Bible study as a great way to make new friends and create long-lasting relationships, your own little sense of community. I remember thinking, that would be awesome, but everybody around here already has their established friends. 
And that is actually somewhat true about a small town. It seems everybody already knows everybody and people already have those links established. But in the last year, I've been surprised by the number of new families with small children that have moved to the area. People our age, in the same stage of life, going through the same things we are. It wasn't just us. 

The tricky thing is meeting those people. And not coming across as a total creeper desperate for human contact.
Which sometimes I feel like I am...
Making friends is hard. 
I know I've said it before. I went to college out-of-state. The people I was closest with in college live at least an 8 hour drive away. So while most of us are in the same stage of life right now (married with small children), we don't get to see each other.  So the people I share a lot in common with aren't around to sit and share a cup of coffee. I have two other close friends in the area, but I don't get to see them all that often either. 

So I was pretty excited when a woman I met a few months ago at library story time invited me to a Bible study she was starting at her home. It seems like we are in the same boat, wanting a sense of community, looking for people that could possibly become real friends, desiring conversation beyond topics of preschool and sleep schedules. And it's work. It takes putting yourself out there. It's not as easy as it was in school or even in the workplace. But I think friendship is worth the effort. 

The atmosphere was relaxed and homey, Brigette (the hostess) made such cute delicious snacks, and the video series really seems like it is going to be a great fit for our group. I have high hopes to learn a lot and fill in a bit of that friendship void while I'm at it. 


3.
We just watched the season finale of How To Get Away With Murder.

Girrrrl! That show always keeps us guessing.
Not sure how they are exactly going to transition into the next season, but I guarantee we will tune in to find out!


4.
Random fact: I hate this blog name. 
I started this blog back in 2011 without knowing whether or not it was something I would enjoy doing. I think Jared came up with the name, and I was cool with it. But over time, I don't know... I just don't really think the name is very "me." I don't know if it's because it seems overly cheery and perfect while I am more realistic and sarcastic or what exactly.

In hindsight I wish I had picked the URL to be something less specific to the blog name, that way the blog name could be easily changed. Literally "thesolkos.blogspot" would have done the trick. But I was new to all this and thought it was supposed to be the same. So now it is in the URL and it seems like a lot of work to switch it at this point.

Like, would my 7 or so regular readers be able to find me?!

Maybe it isn't that much work. Who knows? It did take me basically two whole years to finally bring myself to create a new email and abandon the old one that I created when I was 14. So maybe in another couple years I will work up the gumption and do something about it.

5.
Have you ever heard of or played Cards Against Humanity?

Jared found out about this "party game for horrible people" and immediately wanted it for Christmas. My apologies, baby Jesus. We have played it a few times and - shocker- since we're horrible people, we thoroughly enjoyed it.

This past weekend Jared insisted we play it with my parents, sisters, Justy's boyfriend Zac, and Jared's mom. Can we just say, this isn't necessarily a game you should play with your in-laws?! I was basically forced into playing along.

The premise of the game is just like Apples To Apples. One person reads a card (the black card) and everyone else playing chooses a card from their hand to play to answer the first card's question. The original reader picks the one he or she likes best. There are usually some good ones, sometimes some that aren't as funny, and then there are some like this:

My dad read the top card.
The winning card (the white one) was played by my mother.
I almost nearly died laughing.

It was funny when it was read aloud, but it was even funnier when my mom raised her hand to admit she played the card.

They sell expansion packs and we most definitely will be needing one of them soon.

Well, that's it for me. I am off to bed early. Tomorrow Justy and I are going to go get cheap reflexology sessions at the massage therapy college and then see a matinee of 50 Shades of Grey. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess the book isn't actually better in this instance.

Goodnight!

ah, screw it. Let it snow! Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!

I am usually one to always wait until after Thanksgiving to decorate for Christmas. It might be the day after Thanksgiving, but it is after Thanksgiving. 

But all this snow in November?
I am mentally giving in. 
Christmas could be tomorrow and I'd believe it.

So I'm all in.
Let it snow.
Crank that Christmas music. (Wait, what? It's been on the radio for weeks? Oh yeah...)
Bring on the mountain of green and red storage totes and let's decorate this place up. 

If it looks like Christmas outside, 
it might as well look like it in our living room too!

Mama's Day 2014

Those of you who know me know that I am a pretty simple person when it comes to holidays like Valentine's Day or Mother's Day.

I am a big believer in doing something thoughtful and personal.

Personally, I would much rather have a handwritten letter or an hour of someone's time as opposed to a gift. Don't get me wrong, gifts can be nice, but I appreciate the thought and emotion that can go into homemade gifts or time spent with a friend or loved one.

Every year for my birthday - starting at the age of 7 - my grandma Joyce took me (as well as all my sisters and cousins) shopping. Just me and her. She gave me some birthday money, as did my other grandparents and my parents. We went to stores together and picked out things for me to buy with my birthday money. She made sure I got practical items like clothes, but she also helped me pick out fun things too. And I got to pick where I wanted to eat for lunch. That was huge as a kid! I remember always looking forward to those trips so much. 

That one-on-one time with my grandma was so special to me. 

It still is.

It didn't cost her anything but lunch (and trust me, a 7 year-old's tastes are not expensive) and her time. 

Someone's time is such a luxury today. 

An hour (or three) with a friend over margaritas.

A card in the mail just because she saw it, laughed, and thought of you.

A phone call to catch up just because.

They don't cost much, but they mean a lot.

To this day my favorite presents from Jared haven't even been presents. 

They are notes written in funny cards, referencing one of our various inside jokes. 

They are letters written on big days in our lives - like the day of our engagement or the birth of a child. 

They are breakfasts in bed after I've been able to sleep in a little bit later than normal. 

They are a clean house with supper in the oven. 

I have gotten a bit off topic...

I think the point I am trying to make is that I think we sometimes take the meaning out of holidays. Just like Christmas, we focus on the purchasing of a gift and less on why we are celebrating to begin with. Tell your mom you love her. Spend some time with her. Or at least call her. I guarantee that means more than flowers do. 

And speaking of flowers... Here are the little-somethings the kids made for both grandmas.  

I wasn't sure how the hand print portion would go, but they turned out surprisingly well.

The girls weren't overly creative with the reasons why they love each grandmas - most involved mention of the particular toys they have at their houses. But they sure were excited to hand them over to Grandma Sherri and pack them up in the mail for Grandma Cathy. 

I hope all you moms out there had a fabulous day spent with your loved ones!

my truth: I am 1 in 4

During college I attended a production of The Vagina Monologues in which my roommate had a role. I went with a group of friends and enjoyed the show. The end included some brief statistics - like the fact that one in four females is sexually abused or assaulted in her lifetime.

The speaker then addressed the audience, asking for victims of sexual abuse to stand. The number of people - mostly women - standing in that theater was a bit staggering. I remained seated. 

I should have been standing. 

Because I am that statistic: 

I am one in four. 

It's something that took me a long time to come to terms with, to get past. And at that point back in college, the thought of admitting that was me? It was too much. I was too embarrassed. Why would I want my friends to know that about me?

I am reminded of an episode of Oprah (oh how I miss you on TV, Opes!). Oprah, as a victim of sexual abuse as a child herself, did quite a few shows on the subject during her television reign. This particular show featured three different sexual abusers. All had abused children. All were serving prison sentences. All three were on the show to speak of their crimes to shed some light on how they were able to do what they did, with the hope that parents could arm themselves with information to help prevent this heinous thing from happening to their own children. 

One of the abusers was speaking of his much younger cousin that he had abused: 

"I killed someone. I killed the person that she was supposed to become."

At the time, and even now, that really made sense to me. 

I will never know the person I would have been. 

In a way that person died when I was 7 years old. 

How much differently would I have turned out if I could have continued a blissfully innocent childhood? If years of my childhood hadn't been dedicated to keeping a secret and worrying constantly? 

Thinking back to that sad, anxious little girl who spent night after night for years pacing the upstairs hallway, waiting for the perfect moment to share that painful, horrible, ugly secret... it just makes me sad for her. My heart breaks for her.

But now, some 20 odd years later, I am not that little girl.

I know that the embarrassment and shame I carried around for so long wasn't ever mine to begin with. After years of tears and therapy and gradual self-awareness, I am at a place of forgiveness. I can't change what happened to me all those years ago, but I can try my hardest to prevent it from happening to my own kids.

So why am I bringing this all up now?

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

Throughout this month I have seen a lot of info about ways parents can help protect their own children. So much of it was great, easy to implement teaching and tips so I wanted to pass some along. Because I know as parents our main goal for our children is that they be safe, happy, and healthy.

A couple stats.

• It's estimated 1 in 4 females and 1 in 6 males will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.
• 93% of juvenile victims know their abuser.

Teach your children the proper names for their body parts.

A vagina is a vagina. A penis is a penis. 

Teaching kids the proper names for their private parts helps them understand that while our privates are private, they aren't so private that children cannot talk about them. Also this gives kids the proper language so they can ask questions or communicate concerns should they have any.

Let children decide who can touch them.

Children are in control of their bodies and shouldn't be forced into situations they don't want to be in. So yeah, is it a tiny bit awkward when Junior refuses to give Grandma Caroline a kiss goodbye? Probably. But teaching kids that they shouldn't be pressured into personal contact against their will increases the chances that they will refuse or report other less-benign contact that makes them uncomfortable. 

Everyone has the right to privacy.

Just as kids should respect others' right to privacy, they also deserve privacy. Children need to know that no one should be touching their private parts without permission.

We don't keep secrets.

There is a big difference between a surprise and a secret. A surprise is something we keep from someone for a short amount of time - like a birthday present. A secret is different. Many abusers pressure their victims to "keep a secret." Tell your children that you never expect them to keep a secret from you, especially if it is something that makes them uncomfortable. 

Don't have just one big "talk"

Make sexual education a non-taboo topic in your house.

If you start talking to your kids at a young age - meaning starting at age 3 - and keep the dialogue open, adding new information as is appropriate, it should be much less awkward than you would imagine. 

Kids follow our cues. If we act uncomfortable or avoid the subject, they will know it isn't something to be talked about. You want your kids to be able to come talk to you, especially on a topic as important as this. The more accurate information your kids are armed with, the more likely they are to realize when a situation is inappropriate and come talk to you about it. 

Good information on how to start the conversation can be found at No Place Like Home. 

Be available.

Tell your children that they can come talk to you about anything.

Emphasize that whether it is good, bad, fun, sad, difficult or easy to talk about, you will be there to listen. And follow through.

Be involved.

Know as much as possible about your child's life. 

Know their coaches. Know their friends. Know their friends' parents. Know other adults that your child might talk to or confide in. Ask about what they did at school or while playing with friends. Know the kind of television shows they watch and the video games they play.

Know the signs

Many kids who have been abused or are being abused exhibit signs that adults might pick up on. Withdrawal or clingy behavior, bedwetting, angry outbursts, sexualized play, sleeping problems, a change in eating habits, or fear of new people and places are all signs that could point toward possible abuse. In older children or teens the signs can include drug and alcohol abuse, promiscuity, depression, and even attempts at suicide. Even if you aren't a parent yourself, it is helpful to know what to look for. Teachers, coaches, daycare providers, or just friends and family members can benefit from knowing this information and potentially make all the difference in a child's life.

None of these tips is a guarantee to keep your child safe from harm, but hopefully they will be a starting block to help us begin to protect our kids. 

Links and references

American Academy of Pediatrics

Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network

No Place Like Home

Trust me, I know what beautiful is.

I started this blog a few years ago after toying with the idea for months. My goal was to use the blog to post photos and stories of our kids and ourselves - an easy way to help distant friends and family feel involved in our daily lives.

A by-product of that initial vision has been cleft-awareness, even if only on a very small scale. 

I have quite a few people that find my blog through internet searches like "cleft lip and palate" or "expecting a baby with a cleft."
I think every shocked, expectant cleft parent types those words into a search engine.
My heart goes out to them.
I remember doing those searches. 
And I remember some of the results I wish I hadn't found. 

When people stumble upon my blog, I am glad. I hope they can see from my blog that Bailey's cleft is not our primary focus - on the blog or otherwise. I have general information about clefts with a few helpful links in the Cleft Info tab at the top of my blog, along with an overview of Bailey's story, surgery, and future concerns. I write posts from time to time about what is going on in regards to her cleft: her yearly cleft team visits, trips to the dentist, questions she asks as she notices some of her differences. Those posts help explain in detail what exactly we learn at each visit and give a general timeline for what to expect in each next step.

What is not found on my blog?

A sense that Bailey's cleft is an overwhelming part of our lives.

And it never will be.
I guarantee it.

Because when it comes down to it, Bailey is more than a cleft-affected kid.  
She is our daughter. 
She is funny.
She is smart.
She is caring.
She is helpful.
She is exuberant.
She is beautiful. 
Oh, and she happens to have a cleft. 

And because of Bailey's cleft we were automatically joined into a small sub-group of people: cleft parents. I've met and formed relationships with people I would have otherwise never known - all because we have a cleft in common. I even email back and forth with an adult woman with a cleft. She gives me the viewpoint that I wouldn't glimpse into otherwise.

I like being a resource or a touch-stone to others experiencing the same things we have already gone through. Clearly I am not an expert, but I have been-there-done-that with a lot of things cleft-parent related.
I like when people - family, friends, strangers on the street, internet strangers - ask me questions and show they are interested in knowing more. I like to share the knowledge I've gleaned from personal experience.

But there is a definite difference between asking questions to learn more and asking questions to challenge the choices we have made for our child. 

Let me be extremely clear: 
I love my daughter. 
I've thought she was beautiful from the second I laid eyes on her in that operating room. 
My heart hurt knowing that we had to lose her sweet "first" smile at 10 weeks old.
And it ached afterward seeing her in pain.
It's ached with each and every surgery.
And I know it will ache thousands of times more in the upcoming years, over all sorts of normal childhood things and a few extra because of issues related to her cleft.

But never have our choices for Bailey been guided by superficial thoughts to "make her prettier" or because we feel she isn't good enough as she is right now. And to say or infer that to me is not only inappropriate, it's offensive.

We don't look at Bailey and notice her cleft. 
Her cleft barely crosses my mind, and it usually only does in fleeting moments, like when I am brushing her "special tooth" or notice she has chocolate pudding hiding out in her right nostril. 

Vanity is not guiding our decisions. 

Just like with our other children, we make decisions for her based on what is best for her. And we make decisions regarding her cleft-related care with her team of specialty doctors, dentists, and orthodontists. Ya know, experts. And I feel very strongly that they have our daughter's best interests in mind as well.

It's okay for people to have questions. I expect that. I don't expect people to understand it all; I knew nothing about clefts before Bailey was diagnosed with one. I am happy to explain why Bailey has to have more surgeries and dental work in the future. 

But suggestions that we "think long and hard about the motivation for her surgeries" and "start embracing Bailey and her differences" are absolute bullshit. 

So I should forgo dental treatments and let her teeth continue to be ground down due to her inappropriate bite?
Should we say screw it and let her breathing be affected due to her nasal shape as she grows older?
Should we just not utilize the AMAZING health care coverage my husband receives as a benefit through his job?

Surgeries aren't being done just for looks. Surgeries are needed for function and to prevent problems with biting, chewing, swallowing, talking, breathing...
So insinuating that Bailey's future surgeries are less about necessity and more about my own tainted view of real beauty is just not even close to reality.

Look at this picture and tell me our daughter isn't beautiful.

Because for those of us who truly know and love Bailey, 
we don't say, "She is beautiful even with her cleft."

We just say, "She is beautiful."

Friday Five

1. 

I quit Facebook.

And the obvious question to this statement is why?
And I thought the answer to that was complex, but really it is pretty simple:
I have slowly come to realize over the past few weeks what I have known all along: Facebook isn't making me happier.

I have had a couple conversations with friends recently where the honest-to-God actual answer to their discontent/anxiety/you-name-it is "Stop getting on Facebook."
And it applies to me too.
I am happy with my life. There are obviously things I would love to be different (bye bye 20+ pounds, hello Jamaica, etc) but I am definitely a content person. Yet sometimes I log on to Facebook wanting to return a message or post a picture of my kid being cute and I leave with a bad taste in my mouth.
Sometimes that taste is jealousy. 
I am done having kids. I don't want any more babies. Why am I jealous of this acquaintance and their new baby?
Sometimes it's frustration.
Seriously, so-and-so keeps f*ing up her life royally and our family member just keeps rewarding her bad behavior!
Sometimes it's mommy guilt.
Look at those DisneyLand photos. I hope my kids like camping. In tents. For free. 
And other times it is just the inadequacy you feel from seeing the "perfect" picture painted by all your Facebook friends. 

We live in a keepin'-up with the Joneses society and Facebook feeds into that. Even if I am happy with myself and my life, some of those feelings creep in even when I log on quickly. And I don't think it is just me. Study after study gets play on the news, correlating feelings of unhappiness with social media such as Facebook. 

I am happy to hear from my friends and family about their happy news - engagements and babies and new homes and promotions and awesome vacations - all that.
Because we are friends. And I am actually happy for them.
It's all the extra. The stuff I wouldn't hear about if there weren't Facebook.
I want to hear about the real stuff, not read the picture-perfect airbrushed version that gets posted online.

What finally solidified my choice was talking to a friend who had to give up Facebook awhile ago for legal reasons. When I asked her how she felt about it, she replied that it was hard at first and family members gave her grief about how they needed Facebook to stay in touch and keep up with her family.
But then a great thing happened:
People sent handwritten letters.
They sent cards.
They emailed.
They picked up the phone and called.
She started having real interaction with people again.

In essence, the people who actually care about you are going to make the effort. And the rest? The rest were just your Facebook "friends." And in my case, I write this blog for family and friends so that they can see photos and read little stories and hear about what is going on in our lives. I'm not dropping off the face of the earth.
And who knows how long my deactivated status will last?
All those cat memes are pretty great - I might be back...

2.
A slightly-sad/slightly-amazing thing happened this week:
Graham's off the boob.
He turned 15 months old and decided enough was enough.
His sippy cup has officially taken over my position.

I have mixed emotions.
I was ready to have my body back to myself, but it's a little odd. Like, what shirt do I wear now?
(I kid, I kid. Sort of...)
I have been pregnant or breastfeeding nonstop since June of 2009. It's no wonder I have a non-existent wardrobe.

The transition was easy, for which I am glad. He is happy and doesn't seem to miss it.
The part I am going to miss the most is the fact that while he was nursing it was easy to pretend he was still my little baby.
But he isn't.
The first year of his life flew by faster than it seemed to with our others. Probably because he is the baby. And because he is our last.

I can honestly say that breastfeeding my kids has been one of the best parts of being a mom. It sounds crazy to some, but for me it's true.
Those quiet moments, snuggling your baby, providing something only you can provide... there is nothing like it.
There is no way to describe it to someone.

I have no plans to nurse another child, so that makes those particular memories just a little bit more special. So it is with a sadness/happiness mixture that I bid a big farewell to the Boppy and my used-and-abused nursing camis. You were all so very good to me.
But now I can drink a delicious cocktail whenever I want with zero guilt.  Win for me.


3.
This past week we held our 2nd Annual Shrimp Fest at our home.
Okay, just kidding, it's really not that cool.
Last year my parents were in Louisiana and Mississippi on vacation and brought back fresh shrimp. Since my mom hates seafood, my dad asked Jared to cook it up for him. There was a large amount so we invited over my grandparents and Justy too. We made some fettuccine alfredo along with the shrimp so that those who can't/won't eat shrimp had something to eat as well.
No one went south this winter, so we had to settle with shrimp from Hy-Vee. Whatevs. It was still delicious.

And afterward we ended up watching the movie Uncle Buck in its entirety.

So random.
Because that is how we roll apparently.
I hadn't seen that movie in a long, long time and enjoyed quite a few laughs. Particularly the part about Felix, because I am a perv.

4.
I read this blog last night about giving up something for Lent. Wow, this is me.
It is a humorous blog and the author was writing that what she should really give up for Lent is the last hour of the day that she is awake. That last hour when she does nothing beneficial, just sits around watching House Hunters or other worthless TV while browsing the internet and laying on the couch thinking about how she should be in bed already.
Me.
Right here.
I do that all the time.
And every day when I wake up tired and slightly cranky, I tell myself, "I am going to go to bed at a decent hour tonight. I am going to get in bed early!" and it never happens. I like my personal time too much.
Jared leaves for work at 10 pm and "me time" truly begins.
No kids, no husband.
And clearly no time management.
Before I know it it is 11:30. How did that happen? Oh well, it doesn't matter because I am totally going to bed early tonight.

5.
I have been stumbling across a lot of quotes this week.
I have a daily devotional my mother-in-law gave me for Christmas that eerily seems to apply to my life daily. I will turn to the designated day and then so many times the story and verse correspond to exactly what I was needing to hear.

I also was reading a blog (actually the same one I mentioned in #4) and it quoted someone named Terry Pratchett, and while I have no idea who that dude is, I like the quote:

"Poison goes where poison's welcome." 

And really, it's just so true. 
So many times in life we experience negative things and wonder why it's happening. And while it doesn't explain everything, it explains a lot of the drama we have in our own lives. Because drama goes where drama is welcome. This probably ties in to #1 on this list, because without Facebook, I have exposure to so much less drama. And quite honestly, I think that is a good thing. 

Nursing in Public (or NIP ... how appropriate, right?)

Twice yesterday on Facebook I saw derogatory references to women nursing their babies in public.

One was a male posting about the "inappropriateness" of a mother feeding her baby in a store. The other I came across while reading a humorous post by a mommy blogger/author - a post that had nothing to do with breastfeeding whatsoever. One commenter apparently looked at (aka - "creeped") another woman's Facebook photos and found one of her breastfeeding, and then used that photo as justification to call her "classless" in order to make a point on some other unrelated issue. I didn't read much beyond that, just enough to see another comment written by the original creepin' lady defending herself saying that she was "fine with breastfeeding as long as it's done behind closed doors."

Well, I have a problem with that.
I don't live my life 100% "behind closed doors" and neither does my baby. And why should I?
Should I be confined to my bedroom until I give up breastfeeding in order to resume a normal life?
Is the inch of mammary tissue that *might* be seen for a split second really doing irreparable damage to innocent people?
Are you telling me you would rather listen to a baby cry at the top of its lungs than catch a peak of a mother nursing out of the corner of your eye?

And when did feeding your baby become "inappropriate"?

I know ZERO breastfeeding moms that are thinking Oh, please strangers, please notice me as I attempt to feed my baby in a less-than ideal location. Please look at me as I fumble with my shirt and stupid nursing cover. Please observe how my child is being less than cooperative and thwarting my every attempt to cover him. Please everybody, I am dying for your attention! Check out my milk-filled breast!
In reality, all of us are trying very hard to not be noticed.

And then there are the poor moms who never feel comfortable NIP.
Maybe they don't want to feel like people are looking at them funny or maybe they don't want to make other people uncomfortable. Or it might be just a personal thing that they themselves aren't comfortable with. And I get that. It was awkward the first few times when I nursed in public with Avery. It is like any other skill, it takes some getting used to. And to a certain extent, you have to get thicker skin. Is there a chance that someone might give you a dirty look or say something rude? Sure. But there are times when you don't have much choice, even if you'd prefer not to nurse in public.
So you face the choice: what do you care more about, feeding your child or protecting some stranger's idea of modesty?

Personally I feel that if people have a problem, it's just that. THEIR problem, not mine.

You don't like it? Feel free not to stare at my chest then. Problem solved.

Honestly in this day and age, any kid can turn on A&E to an episode of Intervention and see someone shooting heroin into their vein. This is socially acceptable television, but a mom quietly feeding her baby on a bench at the mall is inappropriate?

But there is also the other end of the spectrum. I have heard some moms tell stories of getting positive feedback. The more of us that ignore the negative criticism and just feed our babies when they need to eat (because seriously this is about a baby needing to eat, remember?), the more we are helping to make nursing in public more socially acceptable.
I personally love seeing women NIP. I sort of want to go up to them and be all like, "I know how hard and awkward this can sometimes be, but I think you are awesome. Rock on!" *Attempt fist bump* (And then awkwardly walk away....)

I must say that I have had way more positive feedback and looks than negative ones. I nursed Graham on our plane ride to Colorado both there and back. On the way out I sat next to a woman; on the way back I sat next to a man. Neither of them acted like I was doing anything out of the ordinary. We made the usual plane small talk, and it was no big thing.
I nurse Graham in front of both of my grandpas - men in their mid-70s. Neither one of them has ever acted uncomfortable for even a second, and believe me when I say that I would be able to tell with these two! It's just what I do to feed him, and everybody - including the older men I'm related to - is cool with that. 

And that is all nursing moms want: for it to be no big deal. What we don't want is to feel like we need to go hide away in some nasty public bathroom, because I am telling ya right now, I am NEVER doing that. Ever. Unless it's one of those ritzy bathrooms with an elegant little sitting room in the front of it. And if that's the case, you can find me there setting up shop with my ass firmly planted in a comfy seat with my feet up.

I am interested to see what other people think - men and women alike. Not just parents, but those without kids and single people too.
When/if you see someone nursing her baby in public, what runs through your mind?
Do you think that it's awesome?
Do you take offense?
Do you not even think about it because it barely registers or because it just isn't an issue?
Do you wish she was somewhere else more private?
Do you want to give her a high-five and a "Good work, Mama!"?
Tell me what you think.